This Is What Happens When You Sell Your Book To Hollywood

One version, at least. Also starring Jennifer Lawrence, Jeff Bezos, Macklemore, Salman Rushdie, Katy Perry, and Lil Nas X

In 2014, a famous film director emailed me out of the blue. He said he was a fan of my first novel and wanted to adapt it as a film. I nearly dropped my phone in the toilet. I couldn’t believe this was happening. My book was becoming a movie!

Within a month, we were in production, and I was getting lunch with Jennifer Lawrence, and LOL, I’m just kidding. Things don’t work like that. Movies take years to get made. In the time it takes a film to go from “initial idea” to “IN THEATERS NOW!” Elon Musk can build a rocket, father three more kids, and buy a president.

But things were happening.

I met the director. I emailed with executives from his production company. Everyone was incredibly psyched about the project. It was starting to look like this might actually happen.

Early in the process, the director invited me to the premiere of something he’d just completed. In the VIP reception before the screening, I clutched my drink, barely able to believe I was here. In the same room as all these famous actors!

And wait, is that...Salman Rushdie? It is! Should I talk to him? What do I say? I liked The Satanic Verses? Sorry about that whole Fatwah thing?

Jeff Bezos was also there. This was pre-divorce. Before he got swole and turned his life into a frat boy dream of mega-yachting around the world with Katy Perry and Lil Nas X.

That dog looks confused. It’s not the only one.

Bezos was still in CEO mode. But there at the VIP reception, standing five feet away, I could already see premonitions of things to come. His biceps were looking pretty bulgy under that well-tailored suit. And he was surrounded by women. Eight. Nine. Twelve of them. Their numbers kept rising. They formed a semi-circle around him. Soon, all I could see of the man was the top of his gleaming head.

If I were to write an adaptation of the adaptation of my book, it would look something like this:

The director and I lock ourselves into a room and spend the next week hammering out the script. I’ll be hunched over the keyboard, typing feverishly. He’ll be pacing the room, gesticulating wildly.

The scene is a montage, scored by Macklemore’s infectious and hard-charging 2011 hit “Can’t Hold Us.” In the window behind us, you see the Hollywood sign. At some point, Salman Rushdie will arrive to offer feedback on our script.

CUT TO: The director and I are marching purposefully forward, under the arching gateway of a fabled Hollywood studio. The Southern California sun is shining brilliantly. I am holding my book. He is clutching the script. We are on our way to meet with the head of the film studio to discuss how much money we’ll need to turn our vision into Great Art that will outlive us all. Will $200 million be enough? How about $250 million?

I’m sorry to break it to you, but this isn’t how it happened. The adaptation of the adaptation is a lot less cinematic. There are emails. There is waiting. Months of waiting. There is uncertainty on my part. I don’t know what’s happening, whether anything is happening, or whether my little book has been forgotten entirely. Salman Rushdie never once shows up to offer feedback.

But there is a script. And it has been passed along to the film studio where the director has a production deal. And good news! They want to option the rights! This is great! Things are moving! We’re one step closer to my film premiere. I can see it already: I’ll walk the red carpet and pose next to Jen Lawrence. (Her friends call her Jen, and I know this because I am her friend. Funny story, we actually grabbed In-N-Out on the way to the premiere, just the two of us, isn’t that so fun and relatable!?!)

Just one thing: The studio doesn’t want to do it as a live action film, like we’d planned. Instead, they’re thinking it could be an animated TV series. But that’s okay. Better than okay, maybe. It’s 2015 and TV is all the rage and did you see True Detective? It’s amazing! And anyway, I bet Jennifer (sorry, Jen) Lawrence would be up to do one of the voices, even if the chances of our In-N-Out date are starting to look slightly dimmer.

WARNING: This is where the story gets dark.

Here’s the part where my little book is swallowed by a much bigger story. A story that will consume our culture. That will sweep across the world. I’d be happy to tell you all about it, but first you’ll have to sign up for a Premium Subscription.

Just kidding. This is free. Everything’s free here! But if you haven’t subscribed, maybe you can do that now.

Okay, this is what happened:

So it turns out, the studio that optioned the rights to my book was...

The Weinstein Company.

Wait, wait! Don’t get mad! At the time, The Weinstein Company was a major force in Hollywood. Their films regularly won Academy Awards. Harvey Weinstein was known as a kingmaker.

Then he became known as something else.

In 2017, Weinstein’s horrific crimes were revealed. The #MeToo movement blazed into the headlines. The Weinstein Company collapsed.

And my little book was buried in the wreckage.

I was never in the same room with Harvey Weinstein. I doubt he even knew about the existence of my book. He had many, many victims, but I’m not one of them. Not even a tiny bit. My first book didn’t get turned into a movie, or a TV show, but the truth is—that probably wouldn’t have happened anyway, because most books that get optioned never make it to the screen. I got paid. I got to meet some famous people. And along the way, I learned a few things.

WHAT I LEARNED FROM MY FIRST EXPERIENCE WITH HOLLYWOOD:

1. Everything is random. Not only in the film business, but in life. We are all subject to the whims of fate. A film director just happened to read my book with his kid. Lucky accident! That film director had a deal with The Weinstein Company. Unlucky accident! This is the way the world works. All we can do is try our best, put ourselves out there. When fate smiles on you, be ready. When the universe decides to crush your dream, you deal with that too. Pick yourself up. Try again.

2. Enjoy it while it lasts. I spent a good amount of that period worrying. What’s happening with the adaptation? It’s been four months—why hasn’t anyone emailed me? Did my film agent lose my number? But none of that worrying moved the needle. At all. It had zero impact on the result. I would’ve been better off just enjoying the ride while it lasted.

3. Make an impact where you can. Remember the script? The one that nudged the film studio into action? That led to my book getting optioned? Well, guess what? I’m the one who wrote it. Nobody asked me to write the script. Nobody expected it. I just did it. And when I was done, I sent it to the director and his team. And they shared it with the film studio. And it actually made a difference! The studio had been dragging their feet on optioning the book. But within a couple of weeks of getting the script, they committed. So even though a lot of things are beyond our control (see #1), there are areas where you can have an impact. Choose them strategically, and take initiative, and who knows...it might actually work! As Macklemore once said in his Grammy-nominated hit single “Can’t Hold Us”:
   
   This is the moment
   Tonight is the night,
   We’ll fight til it’s over
   So we put our hands up
   Like the ceiling can’t hold us

---

So that’s the story of my first experience with Hollywood. There’ve been others over the years, and at some point I’ll probably write about those too.

Despite the clickbaity headline, I never actually “sold” my book to Hollywood. We just sort of...rented it. I hope you enjoyed this article anyway. If you did, maybe you could tap the little like button below. And share this article through whatever means make the most sense. A restack. A Facebook post. A fax to your weird uncle.

See you next week!
Lee

PS: The book that was sold optioned was entitled Joshua Dread. It’s the first in a series about a 12-year-old with supervillains for parents. Click here if you want to buy it from my close personal friend, Jeff Bezos. Or just go to a bookstore. But maybe call ahead, because it was published in 2012 and they probably won’t have it.

PPS: I’ve written a bunch of other books too. And some Audible Originals. To find out more, head on over to...

PPPS: I love it when people reach out. Emails! Direct messages! Introduce yourself! Say hello! Or comment below!